Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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