Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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