dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
