i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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