dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize