Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
