The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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