A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
