We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
