No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
