I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
