She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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