I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
