She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
