this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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