Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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