i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
