I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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