I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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