no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize