I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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