I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
