also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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