I looked at my own cervix.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
