Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
