I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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