around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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