K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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