jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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