I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
