walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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