Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
