I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dick very happy bro
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
