Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize