Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
