I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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