I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
