Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
