just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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