Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
