At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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