dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
NoShamevember. You game?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
