I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
