apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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