Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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