when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
