Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
