I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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