atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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