i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
