I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Mom said you looked used
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
