Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
