If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize