Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
