I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
