The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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