My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize