omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
