There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
