She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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