It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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