I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
