chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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