Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
