I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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