Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
